Humor in Court-
Things actually said in court:
Judge: I know you, don’t I?
Defendant: Uh, yes.
Judge: All right, tell me, how do I know you?
Defendant: Judge, do I have to tell you?
Judge: Of course, you might be obstructing justice not to tell me.
Defendant: Okay. I was your bookie.
From a defendant representing himself…
Defendant: Did you get a good look at me when I stole your purse?
Victim: Yes, I saw you clearly. You are the one who stole my purse.
Defendant: I should have shot you while I had the chance.
Judge: The charge here is theft of frozen chickens. Are you the
Defendant: No, sir, I’m the guy who stole the chickens.
Lawyer: How do you feel about defense attorneys?
Juror: I think they should all be drowned at birth.
Lawyer: Well, then, you are obviously biased for the prosecution.
Juror: That’s not true. I think prosecutors should be drowned at
Judge: Is there any reason you could not serve as a juror in this case?
Juror: I don’t want to be away from my job that long.
Judge: Can’t they do without you at work?
Juror: Yes, but I don’t want them to know it.
Lawyer: Tell us about the fight.
Witness: I didn’t see no fight.
Lawyer: Well, tell us what you did see.
Witness: I went to a dance at the Turner house, and as the men
swung around and changed partners, they would slap each other, and
one fellow hit harder than the other one liked, and so the other one
hit back and somebody pulled a knife and someone else drew a six-shooter
and another guy came up with a rifle that had been hidden under a
bed, and the air was filled with yelling and smoke and bullets.
Defendant: Judge, I want you to appoint me another lawyer.
Judge: And why is that?
Defendant: Because the Public Defender isn’t interested in my case.
Judge (to Public Defender): Do you have any comments on the
Public Defender: I’m sorry, Your Honor. I wasn’t listening.
Judge: You are charged with habitual drunkeness. Have you
anything to say in your defense?
Defendant: Habitual thirstiness?
Defendant (after being sentenced to 90 days in jail): Can I address the
Judge: Of course.
Defendant: If I called you a son of a bitch, what would you do?
Judge: I’d hold you in contempt and assess an additional five days in
Defendant: What if I thought you were a son of a bitch?
Judge: I can’t do anything about that. There’s no law against
Defendant: In that case, I think you’re a son of a bitch.
Family Law Judge to Mother: Do you understand that you have sworn to tell the truth?
Mother: I do.
Judge: Do you understand what will happen if you are not truthful?
Mother: Sure. I get everything I want.
Family Law Judge to Father: Do you have anything to offer this court before I issue my judgement?
Father: No your honour, my lawyer took it all.
Q : Arrange marriage mein talaak kam kyon hote hain?
A : Jo apni marzi se shaadi nahi kar sakta woh saala talaak kya khaak lega.
ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?
WITNESS: By death.
ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?
WITNESS: Take a guess.
Q: What’s the difference between a lawyer and a herd of buffalo?
A: The lawyer charges more.
Q: What’s black and brown and looks good on an attorney?
A: A doberman pinscher.
Q. What’s the difference between God and a lawyer?
A. God does not think he is a lawyer!
Q: Did you hear they just released a new Barbie doll called “Divorced Barbie”?
A: Yeah, it comes with half of Ken’s things and alimony.
Q: What’s the problem with lawyer jokes?
A: Lawyer’s don’t think they’re funny, and no one else thinks they’re jokes.
Q: Where can you find a good lawyer?
A: At the city morgue.
Q: What is the difference between a female lawyer and a pitbull?
Q: What’s the difference between a good lawyer and a bad lawyer?
A: A bad lawyer can let a case drag out for several years. A good lawyer can make it last even longer.
Q: What’s the difference between a porcupine and a Mercedes Benz full of lawyers?
A: The porcupine has pricks on the outside.
Q: Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
A: Professional courtesy.
Q: What do you have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
A: Not enough sand.
Q: How can you tell if a lawyer is well hung?
A: You can’t get a finger between the rope and his neck!
Q: If you are stranded on a desert island with Adolph Hitler, Atilla the Hun, and a lawyer, and you have a gun with only two bullets, what do you do?
A: Shoot the lawyer twice.
Q: What do you call 5000 dead lawyers at the bottom of the ocean?
A: A good start!
Q: How can you tell when a lawyer is lying?
A: His lips are moving.
Q: What’s the difference between a dead dog in the road and a dead lawyer in the road?
A: There are skid marks in front of the dog.
Q: Why did God make snakes just before lawyers?
A: To practice.
Q: What’s the difference between lawyers and buzzards?
A: Lawyers have removable wing tips.
Q: What’s the definition of a lawyer?
A: A mouth with a life support system
. Q: What do you get when you cross a lawyer with a demon from hell?
A: No changes occur.
Q: What’s the difference between God and an attorney?
A: God doesn’t think he’s an attorney.
Q: Why is going to a meeting of the Bar Association like going into a bait shop?
A: Because of the abundance of suckers, leeches, maggots and nightcrawlers
Q: Why are there so many lawyers in the U.S.?
A: Because St. Patrick chased the snakes out of Ireland.
Q: Why are lawyers like nuclear weapons?
A: When they land, they prevent anything from functioning for the next hundred years.
Q. What’s the difference between a lawyer and a vampire?
A. A vampire only sucks blood at night